All In The Family (Part #2)

Ephesians 5:22-33

In this short series about marriage and family, we’re not going to have a separate message for the ladies. However, the scripture has much to say to wives and how they should conduct themselves in their families and toward their husbands. In this specific passage, women are instructed to “submit” to their “own husbands,” which is something that is still important today. However, the biggest problem with the concept of a wife’s submission is the misrepresentation of what it actually means.

For just a moment consider that there were three kinds of marriages that were prevalent in the first century. One type involved a married woman who was still under the authority of her father. Another was where a married woman functioned independently of both her husband and her father. And, there was the married woman that submitted to her “own husband,” which served to provide unity, structure and order in the family.

Unfortunately, some people have taken the idea of a wife submitting to her husband beyond what the Bible teaches. Submission did not indicate the modern chauvinistic ideas of servile subjugation, docile subservience, or mindless subordination. Nor was it the childlike obedience as is rendered by children to their parents.

Submission is better represented in words like understanding, support, encouragement, respect, loyalty, all of which serve to produce order, unity, harmony and a truly loving partnership in marriage.

Clearly, from Paul’s instruction about submission, there is no place in marriage for a wife’s manipulating, controlling, conniving, and/or stubborn independence. Nor is there any place for other such attitudes and/or actions that serve to undermine the harmony, unity and love in the marriage relationship.

Actually, in this passage, the greater responsibility is placed on the husband and his attitude/actions towards his wife. His love for her is to be like that of Jesus Christ! It is to be a selfless, sacrificial, and serving love that always seeks the best for his wife. Four times in these verses husbands are instructed to love their wives (5:25, 28 [twice], 33) and that love is to be like the love shown by Jesus in dying for our sins.

This whole concept of how a husband was to treat his wife would have been a revolutionary concept in first-century society. Instead of just the wife sacrificing for her husband, the husband was also to sacrifice for his wife. This was totally countercultural!

In other words, the way a husband submits to his wife (cf. 5:21) is by sacrificing his own needs for her needs. Instead of being the ruler of his wife, he is to be her servant...even to the place of giving up his life for her.

Each of the four times Paul says that a husband is to love his wife, he uses the strongest word avilable for love in the Greek language. It is a love that always GIVES itself to/for others: Ephesians 5:2, 25; John 3:16.

So, let’s ask the question of scripture concerning this love, “What should a husband give to his wife?”

1. He should give her himself.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. (Ephesians 5:31)

The text clearly says that a man “leaves his father and mother” so he can “hold fast to his wife.”

• He is to leave his parents emotionally.
• He is to leave his parents financially.
• He is to leave his parents physically.

There is a growing phenomenon among many young men who simply do not want to grow up. They drift in and out of jobs, live with their parents or their college buddies, and focus a lot of their energy on watching sports, playing video games, and chasing women.

The difference between this generation of young men and previous ones is that they are delaying marriage longer than before, and our culture is encouraging them to prolong adolescent behavior.  One sociologist writes about this phenomenon and says, “Guyland...is the world in which young men live. It is both a stage of life, [an] undefined time span between adolescence and adulthood that can often stretch for a decade or more, and...a bunch of places where guys gather to be guys with each other, unhassled by the demands of parents, girlfriends, job, kids, and the other nuisances of adult life. In this topsy-turvy, Peter-Pan mindset, young men shirk the responsibilities of adulthood and remain fixated on the trappings of boyhood, while the boys they still are struggle heroically to prove that they are real men despite all evidence to the contrary.

“However, manhood means taking responsibility—for your choices, for your family, for your community, and for the next generation.  A key step to becoming that man (for most) is to be married and raise a family.

“Unfortunately, our sinful, human nature craves independence; we want to go our own way, while avoiding the responsibilities we have to God and to other people.  We live in a culture that celebrates youth, beauty and independence—even at the expense of growing up.  Too many young men are immersed in a world of media entertainment and diversions that tell them it’s okay to live a self-centered lifestyle, free of commitments to anything except their own endless and mindless pleasure.”

Sometimes the most important thing I can say to a husband is, “GROW UP!” God says that in marriage a man gives himself TO HIS WIFE and leaves boyhood behind!

2. He should give her attention.

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church… (Ephesians 5:28-29)

We naturally give attention to our own needs and to meeting our needs. In marriage our attention as husbands turns first to our wife’s needs before our own.

It’s not unusual that in marriage our wives are merely reflecting back to us (mirror illustration) how we have treated them. Husbands that don’t like the way their wives respond to them can often trace the problem right back to themselves.

For most wives, love is not measured by the number of things they have, the neighborhood where they live, the designer clothes that they wear, the types of automobiles they drive, the country club to which they belong, etc. Love is measured in time spent together, as well as the effort made to be there with your wife to listen and love who she is as a person.

Dr. Willard Harley, a marriage counselor and prolific author, lists some of the most common complaints he hears from wives in his marriage counselling.

• "I hurt all the time because I feel alone and abandoned."
• "My husband is no longer my friend."
• "The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex."
• "He is never there for me when I need him the most."
• "When he hurts my feelings he doesn't apologize."
• "He lives his life as if we weren't married; he rarely considers me."
• "We're like ships passing in the night, he goes his way and I go mine."
• "My husband has become a stranger to me, I don't even know who he is anymore."
• "He doesn't show any interest in me or what I do."

Dr. Harley goes on to say, “The most common reason women give for leaving their husbands is ‘mental cruelty.’ When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they have been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husband's efforts to drive them crazy. It is usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating other forms of neglect...

“Another reason for divorce reported almost as much as mental cruelty is ‘neglect’ itself. These include both emotional abandonment and physical abandonment...When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find that it is far ahead of all the other reasons combined that women leave men…

“Simply stated, women leave men when they are neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all of the reasons women leave and divorce men.”

Men have to battle the “conquer and move on” mentality. It’s part of the nature of who we are as men. We see something we want, we focus and work for it until it’s ours. Then, we move on to conquer the next great conquest before us. Consequently, wives too often feel like they’ve been fooled by a “bait and switch” scheme. They can’t figure out where their romantic, attentive and selfless fiance (now husband) has gone.

Men...we must make the adjustments to our lives so that we can obey the scripture to love our wives like Christ loved the church. We have to continue to give them our attention and listen to their hearts. We should be seeking to please our wives, not just ourselves!

But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:33 NLT)

3. He should give her kindness.

Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. (Colossians 3:19)

Additional Translations:

• Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly. (NLT)
• A husband must love his wife and not abuse her. (CEV)
• Husbands, love your wives and be gentle with them. (NCV)

There is no place in marriage for the kind of harshness that too often characterizes the world around us. If there is a safe place on this earth for your wife, it ought to be with you...her husband. This isn’t to suggest that there will never be disagreements, but that our attitudes, actions, words and deeds are most often characterized by lovingkindness.

This scriptural instruction would call for patience with our wives’ faults and failings. It also involves a refusal to vent toward them the bitterness generated by outside circumstances.

This type of lovingkindness and compassion is described in a book by Dr. Robert Seizer, entitled, Mortal Lessons: Notes in the Art of Surgery. In it he tells of performing a surgery to remove a tumor in which it was necessary to sever a facial nerve, leaving a young woman’s mouth permanently twisted in palsy. Dr. Seizer’s writes:

“Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed, and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamp light, isolated from me, private. Who are they, I ask myself, he and this wry-mouth I have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously, greedily? The young woman speaks. ‘Will my mouth always be like this?’ she asks. ‘Yes,’ I say, ‘it will. It is because the nerve was cut.’ She nods, and is silent. But the young man smiles. ‘I like it,’ he says. ‘It is kind of cute.’ All at once I know who he is. I understand, and I lower my gaze....Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth, and I, so close, can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works.”

That is the love of kindness and compassion… It seeks not to embarrass or to point out the other’s faults. It passes over your spouse's weaknesses without drawing attention to them. It desires to lift with encouragement and gentleness so that our wives feel VALUED!

4. He should give her understanding.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)

Every husband should make his wife the study of his life. It’s impossible to fully understand all there is to know about your wife, but husbands must continually be learning all they can about them.

There is a funny article about knowing “The Rules” when it comes to understanding our wives.

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

Whatever “The Rules” might be, a husband should seek to understand his wife’s likes, dislikes, interests, ambitions, desires, strengths, weaknesses, goals, dreams, etc.

5. He should give her honor.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)

(One note about 1 Peter 3:7, when the text refers to the wives as “the weaker vessel,” this has nothing to do with her intellect, abilities or character. It either refers to her muscular strength generally being weaker than that of the man and/or a reference to the “weaker” status women were given socially in the first century. Women of that time period were often treated more like property that persons.)

This involves treating our wives with respect, something first-century women too seldom received.

Listen to how the scripture describes a loving wife:

• He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. (Proverbs 18:22)
• House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord. (Proverbs 19:14)
• An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. (Proverbs 31:10)

Those verses express the great value of a wife to her husband. Wives should be treated like an expensive diamond that is preserved and protected with the greatest of care. She should be seen as something of rare value that you treasure like a family heirloom.

Maybe for men it would be better to think of her like the football on superbowl Sunday that has to be protected and put away to win the game. If you are careless with the game ball you will almost certainly fumble it and cost your team the game. How many men had the ball handed off to them (a father giving his daughter to him), but they didn’t protect it as they should and it cost them the game (their marriage)? It’s sad, but there are too many to count.

Closing:

What we want to do, men, is make our wives FEEL loved. Talk to your wife and listen to her. Let her tell you the things that mean the most to her and do them. Make sure to keep your focus on her and not just on your next venture.

Let me put this in the language most men understand and the way Paul described it.

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:28)

This verse doesn’t indicate it is OK to be selfish in marriage; that’s the opposite of everything this passage (Ephesians 5:22-33) teaches. However, the fact remains that a man that selflessly, sacrificially loves his wife will reap the innumerable benefits that return to him for doing so.

All In The Family (Part #1)

Selected Scripture

There was a popular TV series that lasted from 1971 to 1979. The title of the series was “All In The Family.” There were four main characters:

1. Archie Bunker...father, gruff, bull-headed, bigoted, a chauvenist
2. Edith Bunker...mother, humble, meek, naive, obedient, peacemaking
3. Gloria...daughter, opinionated, feminist, stubborn like her father
4. Mike…(called “Meathead” by Archie) son-in-law, “do-less” type, the antithesis of Archie

Do you remember that show? Maybe your family is a confusing mix of people like those in “All In The Family” and it makes you wonder if you’ll ever make it all work. Maybe you’re just looking for a way out of the mess of confusion in your marriage so as to alleviate your pain. You’ve begun to wonder if your life and marriage is ever going to turn around.

There’s a funny story about a man and his wife who owned a country grocery store. While delivering orders one day in his station wagon, the grocer accidentally injured an old lady. The lady sued and was awarded a large sum of money that forced him out of business.

After a few difficult years he managed to accumulate enough money to open another grocery store. But, a few months after opening, one of his delivery trucks struck an older gentleman. The man sued and collected a big settlement, enough to put the grocer out of business a second time.

One day, on a peaceful Sunday afternoon the grocer was sitting in his living room when his little boy entered and cried out, “Dad, Dad, Mom’s been run over by a great big bus.”

The grocer’s eyes filled with tears, and in a trembling voice he said, “Thank the Lord, my luck’s changed at last.”

Well, I hope your marriage isn’t that bad or that you’d fail to mourn your wife being run over by a “big bus.” But whatever shape your marriage is in, I think the subject matter of this series will be helpful to us all. This isn’t going to be an exhaustive study of all things related to family life, but we will deal with some foundational issues that can help strengthen your marriages.

The scripture is clear that…

“Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.” (Psalm 127:1 ESV)

We need the Lord’s grace and wisdom to build strong families that impact our communities, schools, churches, world, etc.

What we’ll talk about today has to do with what a Christian marriage looks like. And, perhaps we should begin with a simple definition: “A Christian marriage is one where there is a mutual commitment of both husband and wife to Christ and His truth for life.”

If we break down this definition of a Christian marriage, it looks something like this:

A Christian marriage is one where both husband and wife…

1.   Receive Christ

• For those of you who are not yet married, God commands that your future marriage only be to another believer that is growing in Christ. When Christ is the center of your home then you share a (spiritual) dimension in marriage that unbelievers simply cannot experience or even understand. There is an inner conviction and power to love more completely the one God has given to you in marriage. To marry outside of Christ is to circumvent the blessings God desires you to know in marriage. Can you imagine loving someone your whole life knowing that he/she is going to be separated from God forever? Can you think of spending a lifetime together only to realize that when one or the other dies, it is a goodbye forever?

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14)

“A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 7:39)

One young lady was heard to pray on her wedding day…

“Dear God, I can hardly believe that this is my wedding day. I know I haven’t been able to spend much time with you lately, with all the rush of getting ready for today, and I’m truly sorry. I guess, too, that I feel a little guilty when I try to pray about all this, since Larry still isn’t a Christian. But, oh, Father, I love him so much, what else can I do? I just couldn’t give him up. Oh, You must save him, somehow, someway.

“You know how much I’ve prayed for him, and the way we’ve discussed the Gospel together. I’ve tried not to appear too religious, I know, but that’s because I didn’t want to scare him off. Yet he isn’t antagonistic and I can’t understand why he hasn’t responded. Oh, if he only were a Christian.

“Dear Father, please bless our marriage. I don’t want to disobey You, but I do love him and I want to be his wife, so please be with us and please don’t spoil our wedding day.”

Though that prayer sounds sincere and earnest, when stripped of it’s pious language, it really says something like this:

“Dear Father, I don’t want to disobey You, but I must have my own way at all costs. For I love what You do not love, and I want what You do not want. So please be a good God and deny Yourself, and move off Your throne, and let me take over. If You don’t like this, then all I ask is that You bite Your tongue and say or do nothing that will spoil my plans, but let me enjoy myself.”

• For those of you that are already married and your spouse isn’t yet a believer, then your daily prayer and greatest desire ought to be that God would use you to reach your spouse with the Gospel. You can’t hide your faith or fail to show him/her what it truly means to follow Christ and how that changes a person’s entire outlook on life and the life after. Through quiet obedience and a testimony of faith you must be asking God to convict and draw your spouse to Himself.

“But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God…” (John 1:12)

“For ‘everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.’” (Romans 10:13)

A Christian marriage is one where both husband and wife…

2.   Adore Christ

“And he said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’” (Matthew 22:37)

A Christian marriage is one where husband and wife love Christ above anyone or anything else in life. The hardest thing for some people to understand is how loving God more than loving your spouse helps you love your spouse more...but it does! You are able to love them with a love you did not have apart from Christ and He is able to love them through you. One of the fruit of the Spirit is LOVE! It is the God of love in you that helps you to love like He loves.

“And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” (Romans 5:5 NLT)

Think of it this way, “Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.” --Antoine De Saint-Exupery

The qualities of love that are found in 1 Corinthians 13 are perfectly demonstrated in Christ. Now that Christ lives in us as His children we have the ability to love more fully and deeply than ever before.

A Christian marriage is one where both husband and wife…

3.   Obey Christ

A Christian marriage is one where God’s Word governs every aspect of the couple’s lives together: relationships, activities, ambitions, decisions, attitudes, etc. The greatest desire of a Christian is to obey Christ from the heart. If there isn’t the desire to submit to Christ and follow His Word, there is something terribly wrong spiritually in your life.

Jesus said,  “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” (John 14:15)

Jesus gave a powerful analogy about those who claim to love Him, but don’t obey Him. Listen to His words in a modern translation of Luke 6:46-49.

“So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say? I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against that house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.” (Luke 6:46-49 NLT)

Strong Christian marriages (the kind that stand the test of time and storms) are built on obedience to the scripture and its truth!!

A Christian marriage is one where both husband and wife…

4.   Worship Christ

There used to be a phrase that said, “The family that worships together, stays together.” Sure, we can all point to some couples that worshipped together on Sunday’s whose marriage didn’t make it, but the percentages of successful marriages increases significantly when husband and wife are both worshipping the Lord together.

Too many couples leave the church in pursuit of things that don’t draw them closer to Christ (careers, amusement, travel, pleasure, etc.). And, too often, these things prove not to be stepping stones, but stumbling blocks to their spiritual lives and marriages.

“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.” (2 Timothy 3:1-5)

Jim worked and live in a small town that had hardly changed over the years of his life. He, his wife, and their three children were the prize family in their church. But, no one was surprised when they learned that Jim had been offered a job in a large, distant city. SHortly before they left for their new home, their little church gave him and his family a going away party and sent them off with prayers and good wishes. You can imagine the surprise a few months later when Jim and his family returned to the little town he had known most of his life and found a job doing what he had done before he left. Someone asked him about his return to which he responded: “We couldn’t find a good church or Sunday school in the area where we lived. People there were too busy making money, gambling, and drinking to even need the church.” He said, “Our kids cried for Sunday school and church back home. I couldn’t raise my children that way and my wife felt that way, too.”

It probably won’t surprise you to know that several months after returning home that Jim received a new position with the company, But, even if he hadn’t, he knew his priorities and he lived by them.

Be reminded of the clear teaching of scripture about the gathering of believers: “And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.” (Hebrews 10:25 NLT)

A Christian marriage is one where both husband and wife…

5.   Model Christ

A Christian marriage is one where both husband and wife model Christian living before others  (especially their children) and are not ashamed to be identified with Christ. It doesn't bother them to bow their heads in public for prayer, to display conduct that identifies them as followers of Jesus, to stand for what is morally and biblically right, and to be known as Christians in their community.

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:14-16)

“For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.” (Romans 1:16)

A Christian marriage is one where both husband and wife…

6.   Instill Christ

If God has chosen to give a couple children, a Christian marriage is one where husband and wife together raise their children for the glory of God. They agree that their primary calling is to disciple their children and hand off the faith to each of them. Their greatest desire isn’t for their children to win scholarships, earn scholastic recognition, have a trophy case full of hardware they’ve won, graduate with a college degree, get into an Ivy League school, etc. Their highest goal is to bring their children to Christ and train them how to follow Jesus for themselves.

“And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-9)

…and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. (2 Timothy 3:15)

Closing:

One of my favorite biographies is about the life of Peter Marshall who was twice elected as the Chaplain of the United States Senate. Dr. Marshall gave these words of wisdom about a Christian marriage:

“We are souls living in bodies. Therefore when we really fall in love, it isn’t just physical attraction. If it is just that, it won’t last. Ideally, it’s also spiritual attraction. God has opened our eyes and let us see into someone’s soul. We have fallen in love with the inner person, the person who is going to live forever. That’s why God is the greatest asset to romance. He thought it up in the first place. Include Him in every part of your marriage, and He will lift it above the level of the mundane to something rare and beautiful and lasting.”