Parenting 101

Colossians 3:20-21 (cf. Ephesians 6:1-4)

The problem of excessive and unrighteous anger is rampant in our society. Anger can be a good emotion when it is expressed toward things that displease God and kept under control. More often than not, though, it is harmful and destructive to those who are affected by it, as well as to the angry person himself/herself.

I don’t know if I’ve seen a time when there was more destructive anger in our culture than there is today...especially among our children, teens and young adults.

In his book, Winning Over Your Emotions, H. Norman Wright talks about the dangers of misguided/misplaced anger. He says anger “...can motivate you to hate, wound, damage, annihilate, despise, scorn, loathe, vilify, curse, ruin, and demolish. When we are angry we might ridicule, get even with, laugh at, humiliate, shame, criticize, bawl out, fight, crush, offend, or bully another person.” He continues, “All of these do very little to build relationships.”

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. (James 1:19-20 NLT)

You may be wondering how a discussion about anger intersects with Parenting 101. Well, what might or might not surprise you is that teaching your children how to handle their anger appropriately is one of the most important things you can do for your children.

Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell write in their book, The 5 Love Languages of Children, that “...the primary lifetime threat to your child is his or her anger. If your child does not handle his own anger well, it will damage or destroy him. The mishandling of anger is related to every present and future problem your child may have -- from poor grades to damaged relationships to possible suicide. It is imperative that you do all you can to safeguard your child now and in the future.”

In addition, a lot of the anger and resentment experienced by our children is directly the result of our parenting techniques that incite our children to anger and discouragement.

That’s what Paul is discussing in Colossians and Ephesians when he says…

• “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21)
• “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

The two Greek words for “provoke” are not identical in the two texts, but they are synonyms.

• In Colossians the word means, “to cause someone to feel resentment -- to make someone bitter.”
• In Ephesians the word simply means, “to make angry.”

In addition to making your children angry, the result of “provoking” your children is that they become “discouraged,” meaning they lose heart, become disheartened and lose motivation.

Before looking at specific things that “provoke” our children to anger and discouragement, let’s notice a couple of basic principles for raising children from these two texts.

1. The fact that children are commanded to “obey” their parents indicates that there is a structure and order in the home.

“The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.” (Proverbs 29:15)

Children need parents...TO BE PARENTS, not their best friends! Some parents are so emotionally unstable that they foster an unhealthy dependence on their children as their emotional crutches.

There have to be reasonable boundaries that children are expected to obey and there have to be consequences for wrong actions and attitudes. Parenting requires that you endure a child’s negative responses to godly parenting without ceding your authority to them so you can feel better about yourself. As children begin to mature and show that they can make good decisions, a parent grants increasing, independent decision-making to them. However, until your child is mature enough to make mature decisions, you must consistently parent your children by guiding, correcting and encouraging them...where needed.

That’s the meaning of Ephesians 6:4 when it mentions raising children “in the training and admonition of the Lord”.

• “Training” involves rules, regulations, rewards, and when necessary, punishment. It refers primarily to what is done to the child (i.e., discipline).
• Admonition” is about the spoken word, whether it is teaching, warning, or encouragement. It refers primarily to what is said to the child (i.e., instruction).

Parenting involves both of these aspects in guiding, growing and governing our children.

Paul says that parents are “to bring them up,” implying that parenting is to be done with “tender care”...providing for a child’s physical, psychological and spiritual needs in life.

And, what is the highest purpose in parenting? It is to bring the hearts of our children to the heart of the Savior (“of the Lord”).

2. Fathers need to be vitally involved in the rearing of their children and not neglectful of their parenting duty.

The Greek word for “fathers” can be used in reference to “parents” in general...in some contexts (ex. Hebrews 11:23). That clearly is not Paul’s intention in these two texts (Colossians 3:21; Ephesians 6:4), though the admonition to “fathers” should be heeded by mothers, too. Paul had just spoken about obedience to “parents” (the more general word for both parents), but changed the word in this context to address the fathers specifically.

Why? Maybe to further establish the place of the dad as the head of the household. Or, maybe  because dads have a tendency to think “mechanically” rather than “relationally.” For instance, a dad might sometimes assume that providing physically for his family IS his only parenting responsibility.

I believe that ultimately the primary reason God addresses this to “fathers” is that the regular absence of a father in the parenting of his children is one of the greatest contributors to child delinquency.

• 24 million children in America – one out of three – live in homes without biological fathers
• Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of school
• A study of 13,986 imprisoned women showed that more than half of them grew up without their father
• 42% grew up in a single-mother household
• 16% lived with neither parent.
• Children growing up without fathers are at a far greater risk of child abuse:
• A 77% greater risk of being physically abused
• An 87% greater risk of being harmed by physical neglect
• A 165% greater risk of experiencing notable physical neglect
• A 74% greater risk of suffering from emotional neglect
• An 80% greater risk of suffering serious injury as a result of abuse
• And overall, they are at a 120% greater risk of being endangered by some type of child abuse

Please, don’t misunderstand these statistics...the truth is that with God’s help, mothers can raise successful, happy and godly children. However, the statistics show the truthfulness of scripture. It is far better for children when they have both a loving mother AND father leading and caring for them. I think Paul spoke to fathers in these two texts as a reminder of this fact and to motivate them to be actively involved in shaping the lives of their children through what they say and do. It should also be a DAD’S greatest purpose to bring his children’s hearts to the heart of God!!

Now let’s consider some of the things that exasperate children and cause them to become discouraged and/or angry. This list is not exhaustive...

1. Parenting that models sinful anger toward/before children.

Don’t befriend angry people or associate with hot-tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul. (Proverbs 22:24-25)

• The way children see their parents react is usually the way they will react in their own lives! If we consistently respond to life with anger, our children will learn to be angry at life.
• Emotionally angry outbursts with your wife or husband are equally destructive to your child. That’s why marital harmony and unity are so important. DON’T ARGUE WITH YOUR SPOUSE IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN OR IN THEIR HEARING!! Four times the scripture repeats the command about marital unity. That’s what your children need to see...NOT angry arguments.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24; cf. Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:7; Ephesians 5:31)

• This thought includes exploding in anger at your children! Each time you lose your composure WITH your children, you add another brick to the emotional wall you are building BETWEEN you and your children.

Listen again to the words of Dr. H. Norman Wright:

“Why do you become angry at your family members when they don’t respond to you? Why do you get angry at the kids when they don’t pick up their room, mow the lawn, or dry the dishes properly? Anger expressed by yelling at a son who does not mow the lawn carefully does not teach him how to do it correctly. Angry words directed to a sloppy daughter do not teach her how to be neat. Step-by-step instruction (even if it has been given before) can help solve the problem.” (Winning Over Your Emotions, Dr. H. Norman Wright)

2. Telling your children to do one thing while you do another...hypocrisy.

Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. (Matthew 23:28)

But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. (James 3:17)

Children learn from what you do, as well as what you say! As a matter of fact, what you do speaks so loudly that your children may never hear what you say.

3. Parenting that neglects (abuses) the physical and emotional needs of a child.

When Paul says that a father is to “bring up” his children, it is the same Greek word used for how he is to care for his wife (“nourishes”-Ephesians 5:29). This involves support emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. It includes things like nutritious meals, proper clothing, a well-ordered home, appropriate physical touch (hugs and kisses), long talks, loving words and actions, etc.

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)

4. Allowing children too much freedom too early in life.

Children need appropriate boundaries because it makes them feel loved. A child left to himself brings his parents to shame (Proverbs 29:15). Children inevitably push against boundaries, but explaining the reason for the boundaries while remaining firm about the boundaries gives your child a sense of security. Proper boundaries actually produce greater freedom and less fear.

The opposite of this principle is to be too strict with your children. As parents, we want to prepare our children to live in this world and make good decisions for themselves. We are not supposed to make them dependent on us for the rest of their lives. We need wisdom about when to extend greater freedoms as our children demonstrate the ability to make good decisions. The amount of freedom should be in direct relationship to the degree of trustworthiness shown by the child. This is an essential point for children entering the teen years of life.

But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. (James 3:17)

There is a time to yield and a time to be firm with parenting boundaries...and it takes great insight to know when each is appropriate. Not every hill is worth dying on! Parents must be “willing to yield” when the circumstances are appropriate.

5. Expecting things from children that are unrealistic for their age or ability.

Children will be children and expecting a child to be too mature too quickly is unrealistic. Children speak, reason, think in childish ways. That’s the nature of being a child!! We shouldn’t expect children to be miniature adults.

• It’s important that parents learn the nature and capabilities of their children. Just because one child can do something doesn’t mean all of your children will have the same ability.

• Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6) This is “training” that is literally “according to his own way.”

Unrealistic expectations lead to discouragement and anger towards their parents or themselves.

Example: Joey, age one: “You’ve got till the count of three to stop your tantrum!” (Of course, Joey can’t count yet! It’s an unrealistic expectation for him to understand the instruction.)

6. Comparing your children to each other and/or other people’s children.

For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. (2 Corinthians 10:12)

“Why can’t you be like________?” Comparing one child to another creates lifelong feelings of inferiority in the one being negatively compared and pride in the heart of the favored child.

These types of comparisons breed the feelings of favoritism among the children and angers them against each other and their parents. (Ex. Joseph)

The only comparison that matters is the one made to God’s standard. Even then, your children have to be taught to understand God’s standards and how He intends on helping them live according to those standards.

7. Constant criticism that makes children feel like they can never do anything right.

...for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. (2 Corinthians 3:6)

Critical people are often the product of hyper-critical homes. Parenting that only sees children’s mistakes and fails to praise children for their successes will break their spirits. They will live with the perpetual feeling that they can never do anything right. They will grow to dislike themselves and find reasons to dislike others.

Children need positive reinforcement, not just negative correction. Praising children for what they’re doing right is like a spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine of biblical correction go down a lot easier.

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. (Proverbs 25:11)

8. Being too busy to listen or have time with your children.

See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil. (Ephesians 5:15-16)

Parents that are too busy for their children are too busy. Children need their parents’ attention and if they don’t get it they will become angry and/or discouraged.

Listen to your children. Even if you don’t think what they have to say is all that important...IT IS IMPORTANT TO THEM. The way you connect with your children is by having time with them. In the language of a child, love is spelled...TIME!

Parents must also avoid making fun of their children when they need your attention and comfort. Mocking a child’s thoughts, fears or ideas can only serve to crush a child’s spirit. One of the greatest ways to show compassion to your children by listening to them and encouraging them when they are disappointed, discouraged or just need attention.

9. Discipline that is inconsistent and/or unfairly applied.

Parents that discipline wrongdoing one time and then laugh at it the next are frustrating their children. For discipline to be effective it must be consistent and fairly applied in each situation...BY BOTH PARENTS.

When a child doesn’t know if his conduct will be met with approval or disapproval, it leaves him feeling vulnerable. The inconsistency is difficult to process emotionally and spiritually.

10. Failing to admit when you’ve blown it as a parent.

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. (Proverbs 16:18)

A communication barrier develops when we refuse to admit that we have been wrong as parents. It teaches our children by example never to admit when they are wrong. The quicker you humble yourself before your children, the quicker they will learn to humble themselves before you. Parents that can’t admit when they’re wrong will likely encourage children to hide or deny their own bad behavior.

Closing:

Jessica Williams writes, "The screams of anger and defiance pierced the joyous reception happening in the church house where my husband pastors.  No amount of reasoning, threats of spanking, or bribing calmed the situation.  There were looks of awe and horror from those witnessing my 3 year old child thrashing around in my arms, screaming, and throwing the biggest fit I have ever seen any child throw...and then it happened.

"I officially became THAT parent. I became the parent that can't control her own children.

"As I made the quickest exit I could with my unruly daughter I prayed no one would be in the parking lot. I struggled to strap her in the car seat as she struggled to be free from me.  I climbed in the front seat and hung my head in shame, in exhaustion, in absolute frustration.

"This was the fourth day we had been dealing with this new found attitude and defiance. The fourth day of trying new ways to ‘fix’ the problem.  We tried talks about bad choices, rewards for good behavior,  spankings, time outs, taking away beloved toys. We tried it all!  I didn't know what to do, or how to parent her, I didn't recognize my own daughter. 

"Her fit only escalated in the car and I got angry.  I yelled.  I spoke of the punishment that she would endure when daddy got to the car.  She just continued to scream and kick and scream some more, and then, exhausted, I gave up.  Defeated, I gave up trying and finally began praying for the situation.  I prayed as she continued to scream, and kick, and spew her anger at me.  As I finished my silent plea for help, I believe, in that moment, God gave me a glimpse of her through His eyes.  In that moment, I saw my daughter struggling.  I saw my little girl struggling with sin that so easily entangles and it broke my heart.  I was no longer angry at how her fit was affecting me, I was grieved at its affects on her.  I was grieved my baby was enslaved to sin and it reminded me of how we all are desperately in need of a savior, whether we are 3 or 33. 

"I quietly and calmly began telling her how much I love her and how God formed her in my tummy and gave her to our family.  I talked to her about the first time I held her in my arms at the hospital and how she is a blessing to our family.  As I shared with her, she began to calm down, the anger and frustration seemed to melt away.  She stopped screaming, and she just listened.  She asked me to tell her more and so I did.  We laughed at how she used to call balloons ‘yappy dooeys’ and we discussed how much her brother adores her and how he is her best friend.  I told her how special she is to God and this family.  We talked about how everything she does not only affects her, but also our entire family.  We talked about the sin (bad choices) in our lives that displeases God and hurts those around us.  

"The tears began to fall from her eyes and through her sweet little sobs she told me she was sorry.  She said her brain wants her to do bad things but she wants to do sweet things.  I looked into her big blue eyes and told her I understand.  I told her that I struggle with sin too and then I told her I forgave her.  We talked about how we need Jesus to help us.  I asked her if I could pray for her.  She said yes through her tears and bowed her head. I prayed a prayer of thanks to God for loving us even though we don't deserve it, I prayed God would forgive us for our sin and help us make good choices that please Him.  

"After we prayed her daddy got to the car quite surprised to see a joyful mommy and repentant daughter.  He and I discussed her punishment with her and how there are consequences for sin.  She remained calm, took her firm punishment well, and then we left the church together telling stories and laughing. 

"I could have easily missed this precious moment with my daughter to show her grace, to point her to Christ.  Like many times before I simply disciplined for an outward change in behavior, not an inward heart change.  I was so concerned about how her attitude and disobedience affected me and those around me, that I failed to truly see its affects on her.  

"As I reflect on the events of this day I believe I need to stop being surprised when my children sin, they ARE sinners.  They need Jesus.  They need their mama to seek the Lord in prayer when disciplining them.  They need me to speak to them firmly but with grace and in love. 

"Is it hard?  Absolutely!  

"My flesh wants to discipline much differently than the Spirit within me wants me to.  

"My flesh is concerned with people's opinions of me as a parent but the Spirit reminds me that ‘If I am still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.’ (Galatians 1:10) 

"My flesh is concerned with raising little Pharisees that act good in public but the Spirit reminds me ‘The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’  (1 Samuel 16:7)

"My flesh is concerned with using tactics like yelling and guilt to get my point across but the Spirit reminds me that ‘His kindness leads us to repentance.’ (Romans 2:4)

"One thing is certain: I need the grace of God!  I need the grace of God to allow me to see my children through His eyes, to discipline in love with a desire to see a heart change, and to show them the life-changing grace of Jesus Christ. 

Remember...the highest purpose in parenting is to bring the hearts of your children to the heart of the Savior.

"'Jesus or no Jesus we just want them to obey, be polite, not curse or look at pornography, get good jobs, marry a nice person, and not get caught up in the really bad stuff.  It may come as a surprise to you, but God wants much more for your children…and you should too. God wants them to get the gospel. And this means that we’re responsible to teach them about the drastic, uncontrollable nature of amazing grace.'"  -Tullian Tchividjian (pronounced cha-vi-jin)